Dear Deidre
My girlfriend and I had the most amazing sex life but I couldn’t cope with her being an escort – and cheated on her. When she found out, she dumped me.
I met her when I booked her for my 30th birthday — I hadn’t wanted to spend the evening alone. She’s 23 and beautiful.
I fell for her at first sight and we began dating.
We’ve been together two years and she says I was her first and only love.
I found it increasingly hard to handle her line of work but she loves the lifestyle it buys her. She can afford clothes, cosmetics and surgery that would be impossible for her otherwise.
As a release from the pain, I started messaging other girls. I was vulnerable and insecure, knowing she went out with other men and slept with them. I had sex with a girl I met through a casual sex site — though I couldn’t stop thinking about my girlfriend.
I thought having sex with someone else would make me feel better but the jealousy kept gnawing away at me.
My girlfriend found out and dumped me. She said I’ve damaged her pride to the core by cheating. She can’t accept that her work was the root of the problem.
We still talk almost every day and have met up. We had sex last time, which she said was her way of saying goodbye.
I am still very much in love with her but she won’t give up her work. She craves the money it brings and says her image means more to her than anything.
DEIDRE SAYS: If her work enables her to buy the image she craves and this means more to her than your love, it’s never going to work.
Your jealousy is natural. Very few men could handle their girlfriend working as an escort. But cheating was totally the wrong way to go. It has just undermined your position.
Tell her you love her and want to be with her but the relationship won’t work unless you both make changes to feel more secure.
That means you must never cheat again and she needs to accept that her job will kill the relationship.
If you draw a blank, my e-leaflet Moving On will help you.
He’s still living at ex’s pad
Dear DeidreMY boyfriend still lives with his ex and their son – and he refuses to tell her about me.
We’ve been dating nine weeks and are both 27. He says they have separate bedrooms and I believe him because we text late at night.
He can’t get a place of his own until they’ve put the mortgage on their joint house into her name.
We only see each other once every three weeks, when she is away for work and their son goes to his grandparents’ place.
We’d booked a weekend away last month but he cancelled at the last minute because his ex changed her plans. He said he couldn’t go away without telling her why.
He talks about a future together but I wonder if I am being pulled along in case she wants him back.
DEIDRE SAYS: He clearly wants to keep a clean slate with someone he tells you is his ex but still lives with and is the mother of his child. You don’t deserve to be treated like a guilty secret.
Whatever his excuses, tell him you won’t accept it indefinitely. Tell him he has six weeks to tell his ex and you won’t wait any longer.
I’m so in love with wife’s sis
Dear DeidreMY wife’s sister poured out her marriage problems to me and we ended up having everything but full sex.
She’s more beautiful than my wife and I’ve fallen in love with her.
I’m 33, my wife is 31 and we have four children. My sister-in-law is 30 and married.
She looked so upset one day and I asked her what was wrong. It was like the dam broke and I instinctively gave her a cuddle. That led to us kissing and touching – for the next six weeks we would sneak away when we could.
My wife became suspicious and questioned me but there were other problems in the family and I managed to calm her doubts.
Now her sister’s husband has been promoted at work and they’ve moved away.
I can’t forget her but she won’t talk to me or see me.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s no good yearning for her when she has decided that whatever you had is over.
Instead, focus on your own marriage and making that more satisfying for you both. Four children are hard work but will be happier if their parents are happy.
Make a real effort to keep the passion alight in your own marriage.
Dear Deidre
MY wife starts her day with a glass of cider, to take her medication with, but doesn’t think she’s an alcoholic.
She has been drinking too much for years but insists she’s not addicted.
I find empty bottles hidden all over the house. She suffers from depression and is not supposed to drink with
the tablets but she does.
I am 32, my wife’s 28. We have two children, six and five, and I’m worried about them. When I try to talk to her about the alcohol, she starts scratching and kicking me. I don’t know what to do.
I take our children to school and pick them up. I don’t want to leave them but I can’t go on getting hurt and covering up for her drinking.
DEIDRE SAYS: Do not leave your children, they wouldn’t be safe. Arrange an appointment for you to talk to her doctor together.
My e-leaflet Dealing With A Problem Drinker details support and will help you be sure you’re not in some way enabling her drinking.
Dear Deidre
MY boyfriend and I are stuck in a rut of going to work, coming home and doing nothing else. I feel we’re too old for our age.
We’ve been together five years and lived together for three. We both had to grow up fast, as we each had several younger siblings.
We get on well but it’s like we’re leading separate lives. I’m 26, he’s 25. He never has time for me and he doesn’t make any effort.
We both have good jobs and we are not short of money. I have mentioned booking a holiday or taking day trips out but I get nowhere.
I can’t tell him these things, as he would say I’m silly. I know he loves me but I feel so unappreciated.
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s not silly to want some variety and affection.
Don’t wait for him to book something.
Start with a day out. Make it clear you want new life in the relationship and for him to say he loves you, or you risk splitting up.
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Email me here for a copy.
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