“WE’RE going to be gypsies,” says Jeremy Clarkson, introducing millions of Amazon viewers around the world to his groundbreaking new show.
And then with that irresistible glint in his eye, he adds: “ . . . only the cars we drive are going to be insured.”
Ex-Top Gear colleague Richard Hammond steps in and warns: “Stop saying things that are going to get us fired.”
There’s little chance of that.
A £160million investment has made The Grand Tour one of the most exhilarating TV series ever — and I don’t even like cars.
All those millions drip off the screen, especially in a mind-blowing sequence in which Clarkson, Hammond and James May pull up in the Californian desert in Mustangs, joined by thousands of petrol heads in all sorts of wild vehicles.
Britain’s most unlikely trio are turning up to what they’ve dubbed the Burning Van festival — complete with pirate ship and a caravan on fire hanging from the air.
AMAZON PRIME
And Clarkson could not resist a dig at his exit from the BBC in an opening sequence that sees him walking out of what looks like its Broadcasting House HQ.
Snippets of radio broadcasts from around the time of his sacking play in the background, as Clarkson solemnly hands in his work pass and gets in a taxi to Heathrow.
When he lands in LA, he gets straight into a Ford Mustang Rocket.
Meanwhile his favourite band Hothouse Flowers sing I Can See Clearly Now, which includes the pointed lyrics: “Gone are the dark clouds that had me blind.”
But if you thought the trademark banter that made Top Gear such a phenomenon was gone for good, there was no need to worry.
Within seconds of taking the stage, the put-downs begin flying with Hammond describing Clarkson as “a shaved ape in a shirt”.
Thankfully there’s no sign of political correctness either.
Clarkson says: “The good thing is it’s very unlikely I’m going to be fired by anyone now because we’re on the internet. Which means I could pleasure a horse.”
But there’s a serious point too as Clarkson says: “We are all car journalists. We have spent the last 20 years . . .” Hammond breaks in again, adding: “Being fired!”
Clarkson adds sincerely: “Yes. But we have poured everything we know, everything we care about, into this show. Everything.”
You can tell. The Grand Tour makes Top Gear under Chris Evans look like a high school project.
Piece by piece, viewers are introduced to the familiar but different world of The GT.
The new track is called “the Ebola-dome” because it is “the exact same shape as the Ebola virus”.
The Stig might be gone but the new car tester is The American, identified as US Nascar racer Mike Skinner, 59.
And the new studio is a spectacular travelling tent.
There is also an American audience, who are involved in an amusing fight sequence that sees Clarkson get a bloody nose.
And Conversation Street sees the trio discuss the issues of the day.
There is also an American audience, who are involved in an amusing fight sequence that sees Clarkson get a bloody nose.
And Conversation Street sees the trio discuss the issues of the day.
Clarkson explains: “Like, for example, why in Britain we have to drive at 50mph while they’re doing roadworks to protect the workforce which is never there.
“And why fully grown adults have taken to riding around the city on children’s toys — I think they’re called bicycles.”
Celebrities get short shrift in Episode One, available on Amazon Prime today. US actors Jeremy Renner and Armie Hammer and I’m a Celebrity star Carol Vorderman all end up “dying” and don’t say a word.
NOT KNOWN
The focus is very much on the motors themselves. As Clarkson says: “This is actually a car show. This week could not have been more car-ey if we’d tried.”
The two main segments see Clarkson and Hammond test their two favourite hybrid hyper-cars — the McLaren P1 and Porsche 918 — in a “titanic duel” in Portugal.
There is also a taster of what is to come over the next few weeks in a film trailer-style preview.
This has guns, explosions, super yachts, madcap stunts, the British Institute of Car Chases, dramatic crashes, a sinking ship and Hammond being dangled from a chopper.
But the one thing that really matters is Clarkson being reunited with his two mates on screen.
But the one thing that really matters is Clarkson being reunited with his two mates on screen.
He says: “I’ve lost my house. We’ve had a fight with the audience. Somebody shot our drone down. And we’ve killed three quite major celebrities.
“And on that terrible disappointment, it’s time to end.”
But in reality he knows this was anything but a disappointment.
Being sacked from the BBC was the greatest thing that ever happened to Clarkson and co — and the world of cars on TV.
The Sun's verdict: ★★★★★
PLANET PHOTOS
1) Clarkson on May
“JAMES May, the world’s slowest human being, has been caught speeding. Richard and I were astonished.”
Clarkson then reveals he was going at 37mph, adding: “How did the police catch you? Were you running?”
2) May on Hammond
“YOU probably can’t see him from the back but I assure you he is here. He was fired by Radio York, Radio Leeds and fired Radio Lancashire.”
3) Hammond on Clarkson
“JEREMY Clarkson is basically a shaved ape in a shirt. And he technically is the only one of the three of us not to be fired by anyone.”
4) Best nod to Top Gear
MAY: “It’s a shame really that we can’t take the track around the world with us, isn’t it?
“Because if we did, we could invite some celebrities to drive around it maybe and we could keep a scoresheet of who was the fastest.”
Hammond: “No, I don’t like it.” Clarkson: “I don’t think it would work.”
5) Top US put down
CLARKSON to American audience: “When it comes to cars every word you use is different.
"When I say different, I mean wrong.”
"When I say different, I mean wrong.”
6) Top French put-down
CLARKSON: “George Bush once said, ‘The trouble with the French is that they have no word for entrepreneur’.”
7) Top car moment
HAMMOND while driving a McLaren P1 which has a top speed of 218mph: “I didn’t think it was possible to s*** yourself to death.
“Oh you bad bad naughty car. Jesus.”
“Oh you bad bad naughty car. Jesus.”
8) Best dig
CLARKSON: “Ferrari are quite difficult to deal with from time to time.
“Let’s just put it that way and move on.”
“Let’s just put it that way and move on.”
9) Top car gag
CLARKSON on Hammond’s Porsche: “This was boring me to death.
“It was like being stuck in a Victorian women’s novel.
“This is a missionary position car.”
“It was like being stuck in a Victorian women’s novel.
“This is a missionary position car.”
10) Best star cameo
AMERICAN actor Jeremy Renner enters from a plane 10,000ft above the tent.
But his parachute doesn’t open so he crashes into the desert below.
Clarkson says: “We anticipated that sort of thing . . so we got a back-up guest ready.”
11) Worst star cameo
BRAD Pitt’s face appears on screen during new segment Celebrity Brain Crash.
Clarkson: “Why is there smoke coming out of Brad Pitt’s head? What are we trying to say?”
Hammond: “No we’re not.”
Clarkson: “No, we’re not saying that.”
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