Dear Deidre
I HAD sex on the beach with a beautiful girl I met on holiday last month but she turned out to be setting me up to be robbed.
A gang of local guys stole my jeans with my wallet in while I was at it and I had to run back to my hotel in just my underpants.
I am 20 and a group of mates I was at school with invited me to go on a lads’ holiday to Spain. I thought it was going to be a brilliant experience and was really looking forward to fun.
We did all the usual — got drunk, got sunburned, made fools of ourselves with girls in local bars. We’d been there a few days and were finding our feet when we all went to a club.
We had a few drinks then a great-looking girl came over and danced suggestively right in front of me. She was around my age and the signals were obvious so I started chatting and she was very friendly, even flirty.
We danced and chatted some more, and things seemed to be going really well. When people began going home she asked if I would walk her back to the hotel where she was staying on the other side of the resort.
I was a bit surprised she had come so far just to go clubbing, but she suggested we walk along the beach as it would feel really special and I didn’t think any more about it.
It was a lovely night and we kissed and sat on the beach together. After a while, we had sex on the sand. It was magic.
All of a sudden a gang of guys jumped out from nowhere. They grabbed my jeans which she had tugged off me, along with my wallet which was in my pocket, and ran off.
The girl ran off into the dark too and I didn’t see her again.
I think that the whole thing was a set-up to take my money. I told the local police but they weren’t hopeful of finding any of them.
I have no trust in women any more. I cannot even hold a serious conversation with a girl since it happened. My friends find it funny and say I am overreacting but I have lost all my confidence.
Every time I talk to a girl I think she is about to set me up and leave me as distressed and embarrassed as I was then.
DEIDRE SAYS: This was an awful experience but don’t make the mistake of associating it with girls or with sex. It was theft, pure and simple.
The way to protect yourself in future is simply to get to know a girl well before putting yourself in any vulnerable situation. Keep sex for when you really know someone well.
Dear Deidre
I’VE lost interest in sex but my boyfriend is pestering me.
We have been together for ten years. I am 45 and he’s 48.
I lost my mum suddenly six months ago to a heart attack. I am still grieving badly.
My boyfriend says I should snap out of it and he keeps on about having sex every night.
I love him and I have tried to talk to him about it but he believes that I have stopped wanting sex because I no longer love him.
DEIDRE SAYS: The loss of sex drive is a common reaction to the sudden death of a parent.
Your boyfriend’s insecurity may be making him over-sensitive.
Tell your boyfriend you need some loving understanding, not needy demands. Suggest you share some sensuous massage – my e-leaflet Couples Massage explains.
I cannot feel any love for my baby
Dear Deidre
THOUGH it is a terrible thing to say, I have no emotional connection with my son.
I have never felt the overwhelming sense of love that every other mother says she felt.
My own mum left me when I was just three and she died when I was 11.
I love my partner but felt nothing when I realised I was pregnant. My son is now ten months old.
I am 22 and am worried that this is something I have inherited from my mother.
I really want to love my son, because I know how horrible it is to have a mum who cares nothing for you.
DEIDRE SAYS: There is a lot of hype about falling in love with your new baby but plenty of mothers don’t have that feeling initially.
You are aware of the damage your mother did and knowing this you can break that pattern, but having your son will have stirred up your feelings of hurt from childhood.
My e-leaflet How Counselling Helps explains how you can find the best support.
Post-natal illness could be adding to your distress, so check with your doctor.
Dear Deidre
HOW can I get my pregnant ex-girlfriend to stop shutting me out of everything?
We’re both 24. The pregnancy was an accident but I said I would support her whatever she decided and that, if she kept the baby, I would be a good father.
I was really happy when she decided against a termination but she then changed.
She started picking fights then dumped me when she was four months pregnant and told me she just wants to move on.
She is not telling me anything that is going on. What can I do? Will I have any rights when the baby is born?
DEIDRE SAYS: She is facing a major life change. Tell her you really want to be there for her and your child and that it’s best for children to have both parents.
Families Need Fathers will help you understand your rights and handle this in the best interests of your child (fnf.org.uk, 0300 0300 363).
Got a problem? Write to Deidre here. Every problem gets a personal reply, usually within 24 hours weekdays. You can also private message on theDearDeidreOfficial Facebook page. Follow me on Twitter @deardeidre or write to Deidre Sanders, The Sun, London SE1 9GF (please enclose SAE).
Stuck in limbo as she won’t divorce
Dear Deidre
MY wife says she will not get back with me but backs off from divorce.
We have been separated for four years but I can’t get over her. We were married for five years.
Out of the blue she said she had stopped fancying me. She said she still loved me but like a brother, not like a husband, and she wanted me to leave.
I am 32, she is 33. We have a six-year-old son and are both good parents. I still love her and find her attractive.
I want our marriage to work and have asked her to go for counselling together but she refused. I told her I would go for counselling on my own to get over her, so we could divorce and both move on.
Now she says she doesn’t want a divorce but doesn’t want to get back with me.
DEIDRE SAYS: This is unfair of her, perhaps deep down she wants to mend your marriage.
Your son would benefit if you could get back together happily, so ask her to give it a real chance.
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